I feel like a bon-bon, or more prosaically, a turkey – trussed and stuffed. I have scraped off an entire epidermal layer, waxed, and polished, and preened. I am sitting here in a tattered terry robe, fluffy pink socks, and white cotton gloves.
I have Winkies under my eyes, Frownies on my forehead, plumping cream around my eyes, bleaching cream on my lip and a full coating of tanning cream over all. Oh, and some weird dead skin remover from the Koreans on my heels. I have brushed, flossed, and bleached. I have used a magical product on my crustier bits (per the package instructions) that literally sloughs off dead skin. Even if the Date doesn’t appreciate it I’d keep using that.
I have selected new foundation garments that squish and squash my generous figure into a more svelte silhouette. And shoes that squeeze these hardworking feet until they squawk. How am I to walk without toppling, or talk without gasping? And how am I to get OUT of this packaging should the magic strike?
Why don’t we maintain the effort once the prey is cornered? How can we possibly think its only necessary for as long as it takes to ensnare the unsuspecting victim? We actually believe “he loves me just the way I am.” Heads up girls, tactical thinking is still required. Even when our looks start to slide, we can deliver a certain level of sexual enthusiasm, unqualified emotional support or – maybe – just swallow our cynicism and shut up?
Do men go through this same angst to make themselves appealing? Do they even think about it? Are men so confident? How is that possible? We have been reared in the same system, experienced the same education, grown up in the same culture. Is this one of those fundamental differences that is explained in “Men are from Mars…” or by Dr. Phil? Can it ever be explained?
M&R, to my dad, meant a day hanging out in the garage. Maintenance and repair to ladies of a certain age means many days and many dollars trying to look our best. And the $64000 question – who, exactly, are we doing it for?
Next week I’ll share my perfectly logical thoughts about why dogs are better than husbands.